Red-faced and still fuming, Louise returned from her business lead exchange luncheon ready to blast anyone who crossed her path. It had been a good meeting, wherein the ten members exchanged referrals, leads, and tips, until Louise had misunderstood something another member had said. It was twenty-something Tony, who had the unfortunate habit of directing his comments to males only who were seated at the other end of the table.

Louise had asked him politely to repeat his information. Grinning as if about to reveal a truth no one else would dare utter, Tony responded with a chuckle, “Sure, Louise. I know it can be really tough to follow business when a woman gets to be your age.” He hunkered over to make the point.

His comment hung in the air like a grease-soaked chicken dumpling. No one laughed. Most buried their heads in their notes in front of them – even his male cohorts at the end of the table looked for holes to crawl into. Louise flushed a deep scarlet.

She wanted to come back with something so snappy he’d be blown out of his argyle socks and tasseled loafers. But her mind was blank. The anger and embarrassment had severed the connection between her brain and her tongue. As a result, she felt stupid and impotent as well.

Louise’s experience isn’t unusual. At one time or another you’ve probably experienced being put down. Perhaps the person presented it with humor, and perhaps not. But, irrespective of how a putdown is presented, putdowns hurt … and sometimes, depending upon where and in front of whom they happen, they can hurt a lot … and have devastating implications.

Consequently, it’s essential that you learn how to (1) manage putdowns so that your self-confidence can remain unscathed and (2) discourage the attacker from doing it again (that is, something short of having connected types give your attacker a swimming lesson in cement booties).

When you encounter a putdown, the first thing you need to do is ask yourself if there is any truth in what has been said. In Louise’s case, was it really harder for someone over thirty, but not yet a member of the Gray Panthers, to understand business? No, no truth at all to it.

When you encounter a putdown, how do you feel? You tend to be flooded with feelings of shame, hurt, anger, and rejection. Since putdowns are like arrows piercing your protective armor, making you feel vulnerable, you need to find ways to make yourself more immune to them.

Imagery is useful in this regard. You can imagine yourself surrounded by a plastic shield or electromagnetic field that repels anything hurtful, keeping you safe and secure. You can imagine the putdown as a pile of dog excrement on the sidewalk that you step over or walk around without a second thought.

You can step back to objectively analyze the offender and why they would say such a thing. Perhaps his comment was the result of youthful misperception of her age. Perhaps it was buying into some stereotype. Perhaps Tony doesn’t feel very good about himself and, consequently, projects his anger about it onto others.

Perhaps he’s trying to impress the other, older males there. Perhaps he resents women in business. Perhaps he’s seeking attention and thinks he’s being humorous. Whatever you determine here will help you decide how you may wish to respond to the putdown

You can also tell yourself that irrespective of Tony’s motives or intentions, “I’m not going to be bothered by this because I have the confidence, power, self-control, and good sense my attacker so obviously and sadly lacks.”

Then you need to decide what you’re going to do to discourage the attacker from making further attacks. Sometimes simply ignoring the person and their comment, acting as if nothing happened, will stop those seeking attention or trying to manipulate you to get a response. But, if you choose to make a reply, make it quick and neutral.

For example, “Is that a fact.” “No kidding.” “Big deal.” “So?” “I don’t agree.” Then lyou should let the subject drop as if it never happened. This leaves the attacker with no place to go because you haven’t done anything to reinforce the putdown behavior or the motivation behind it. Whatever you do don’t respond in kind because nastiness can rapidly escalate the situation out of control.

If, however, there is even a small kernel of truth to which you could agree, you could say, “”You may be right about my not understanding everything about business” or “Really, I wasn’t aware that I was missing anything other than what you said.” You define to what you’re agreeing.

Agreeing shows that you’re listening to the person, analyzing what the attacker is saying, and considering its merits. This takes the wind out of the attacker’s sails because they have no place else to go. You’ve heard them and thought about it. Period.

You can always make a small, non-aggressive joke out of it, such as, “Don’t let my clients know” or I’d like that in writing” or, doing your best Robert De Niro “Taxi Driver” impersonation, say, “You talkin’ to me?!” Make sure you do it with a smile so others present can get in on the relief-giving humor.

While you should not have to bear the brunt of putdowns, sometimes you will have to. But knowing you can handle them and preparing to do so will allow you to deal with them more effectively the next time they occur. Furthermore, dealing successfully with them will make you feel better about yourself and your control over your environment.